There are so many things wrong with young Ian’s personals ad. Here’s how he’s pitching himself, in full:
Alright, this is embarassing. Let me talk all about my favorite subject: me. I’m a mellow type of guy most of the time. I find that my favorite people in life end up being the ones that are willing to share a conversation with some depth while at the same time not taking things too seriously. My friends are open-minded and willing to learn new things. I am a reader. you’ve made it this far, so that’s a good sign, right?
There is so much going on in the world and so many problems that need solutions. I hope that my life can add as much as possible to the greater good of the world.
First, let me give you an example of how this appears, as though it were a print ad for a car:
Ok, so we want to tell you about this new car that we’re offering. Though we’re clearly shy, as you can tell by the way we are qualifying the whole thing before we even get started. Now that I think about it, maybe you shouldn’t even respond to our ad. Go buy another car, because we just couldn’t stand the rejection if you took our car for a test drive, but then didn’t want it. Oh, hell, whatever, we’ve already bought this space, let’s get on with it.
*nervous sigh*
Our car is not one of those obnoxious, loud, gas-guzzling cars driven by people who are desperately trying to make up for some personal deficiency. No. Our car is quiet and gentle. It’s for getting from place to place–and doing so comfortably–but uneventfully if possible. We like to pretend that our car is neither too fast nor too slow; it’s not too-filled with gadgets, but it’s not like it doesn’t have any gadgets at all; while it has air conditioning, we’ve made it so it doesn’t get too cold, and make you shiver. We’re the Goldilocks of cars.
We have other cars too. They’re also nice. Like this car. The one we kinda think maybe you might want to buy. But you might not. We don’t know. Only you know. And you probably don’t. But whatever.
There’s a whole bunch of stuff that our company wants to do in the community, since it’s so all messed up. We don’t want to let you know what it is here, though, because if it doesn’t jive with your pet interests, you might not buy our car. Which would be ok. We’re used to it. We just want to do a great deal of unspecified goodness upon the world. Since we build our cars there.
Oh, Ian. You’re so cute and shy. I get it. I’ve been there!
Problems!!
- Inspecific
- Uninteresting
- Lacking in anything resembling personality
- NO CALL TO ACTION!
Would you buy the car I wrote the fictional ad for? Obviously no. If you were a woman reading Ian’s personals ad, would you respond? Obviously no.
A makeover is in order. Keep in mind, I’m making up the details, since I don’t know this nice young chap personally.
Which do you prefer? A noisy, obnoxious nightclub filled with drunks and overbearing thumping from too-loud speakers? Or a quiet wine bar, perhaps complete with piano (and even a song in your honor with me upon the stool, if you play your cards right), and hours of meandering conversation about life, love, and whatever books we read that week? If you said the latter, you’re in the right place.
A few months ago, I joined an organization focused on a topic about which I am intensely passionate: greening our city. Did you realize that we have lost 30% of our urban wildlife habitat in the last 20 years? It’s a shame. I am part of an amazing program dedicated to restoring public landscapes. You can’t imagine the creativity and resourcefulness required! I’ve met some amazing people and genuinely feel like I can help make a difference.
You are friendly, sweet, and kind. And green! You’re involved with a wide range of activities, and especially love the outdoors. You are willing to spend some time getting to know one another before we get too serious, but this is because we’re both looking for the right thing, not scared to find it. If you are all of these things (and the so much more that you know that you are), then you should give me a wink so I can tell that you’re interested!
In short order, we’ve bleached the non-committal crap from his personal profile, added what will pass for confidence, and given the ladies an interesting story to read. We’ve not gotten too specific (really, at this point, does he NEED to weed out dozens of inapplicable applicants? no.). He actually sounds like he cares about something, other than not offending people. And he sounds…what’s the word?…INTERESTING!
In short, Ian would enjoy a ten-fold increase in replies (I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt, and saying he’s gotten one…though it was probably a prostitute looking for johns).
You can too!
Stop writing bland, ineffective personal ads! Go buy the book! Do it now before you spend another weekend waiting for your vanilla ad to attract anything other than flies.
